and another year begins

The start of 2011 was the first year that the concept of a "New Year" was truly emphasized to me. I became very focused on entering 2011 with a freshness, continuing life with a newly-found perspective, coping with illness in a more gracious way, being kind to my body despite what it lacked....

This year I found myself focusing less on the coming year, and more on my present state in relation to where I was twelve months ago. What a contrast.... last New Year's, I was terribly ill, and terribly depressed. The image I saw in the mirror was one of a weary, white-faced girl with deep, very dark circles beneath her eyes. I was nearing the time when I legitimately stopped attending school. I was lonely. I needed to grasp onto the idea of a fresh start to give me something hopeful, for I was beginning to feel defeated.

Now, though still somewhat tired, I am much, much improved. I have color in my cheeks (!!!), I am in school far more days than I am out, I don't (always) need 14 hours of sleep a night.... things are better. Although I am still struggling in various ways, life is not nearly as blackened as it was then.

I'm not quite sure how to describe how I am feeling.... I think this year I am looking upon my life and how it has changed - how I have changed - rather than looking from within my life, if that distinction makes any sense. I find myself less emotionally invested in the New Year than at the start of last year, and more.... in a state of observance...?

In any case, it has been a long, difficult year, with some terrible lows and great unhappiness... and how strange it feels to look back upon those times from a better place.

I will conclude this post with a picture I took on New Year's morning... I went out for a walk at my Grandparents' house without my camera, and had to turn around to fetch it because I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the morning. Everything was glazed with frost, and the way the sun was rising was catching the frostiness in such a way.... it was so beautiful. I can't explain it.

It's things like this, things simple and lovely and unexpected, which bring me happiness. At the start of 2011, that emotion had become something distant and foreign, of the past... I do not describe myself as happy now, but I am graced with glimpses of grace which keep me going.

Small moments of joy, as in the beauty of a frosted morning.